Before you read on, you should know I love and I loathe
Facebook. I use Facebook for personal and business reasons.
It has replaced email for me in a lot of ways and it is a great avenue
to showcase pictures of the family to relatives
that are far away. But, it is also a cause of a lot of relationship
issues that I see in my with lot of my fans and followers.
From cheating online to lamenting over a break up that has moved on
— I hear about how Facebook has supposedly ruined marriages or dating relationship.
But guess what? Facebook didn’t do anything. The responsibility here
lies on the people involved … not the technology. Here are some quick
tips for you to remember on how to keep your relationship offline and
healthy. It all starts with boundaries.
1. Don’t fight. This is awkward. Really. When I see two
friends go at each other, even if it is short sarcastic remarks, you
can still get a sense that there is more to it than just joking. Not
fighting on your Facebook page isn’t just about keeping others from
feeling uncomfortable. That is secondary to the most important issue
— that it isn’t fair fighting.
Fighting online may feel safer, but that is because you aren't forced to
look at each other or to be vulnerable. It is a way to avoid the
intensity. Avoidance doesn't resolve the issue. What I don't see after
my friends fight online is the fight that occurs at home and then the
resolution to the fight. I am left wondering, "Are they getting along
now?" "Should I say something?"
2. Nice pictures please. The risqué photos of your
partner and the comments about how awesome she was in bed last night
— another thing that nobody wants to see. Be aware of how you are
portraying your relationship to the world. People can copy and save your
pictures from Facebook with ease.
Do you want that picture shared with everyone, including your mother?
Intimacy is an important part of any relationship. Having fun with your
intimacy is also important. However, sharing the intimate details of
your relationship has the opposite effect and can leave a lasting
impression on others.
3. Watch your tagging. You know when you go to a party
and tag who you are with? Respect if your partner wants to be tagged or
not. We all have different values of privacy, so check with your
partner and see if it is okay with them first.
Maybe you are dating but haven't shared it to everyone yet. That's
cool, but don't tag each other in everything you are doing if you want
to keep it private.
4. Relationship Status Updates. If you don't want to
be asked about your relationship, stop putting the status on your
profile. You don't even have to fill that out. I once saw a couple,
married, break up and get back together and then go to "its complicated"
several times over the course of a few months.
I asked one of the people about the status and their response was, "Oh I
don't want to talk about it." Really? You don't want to talk
about it but you want everyone to see it? Sometimes people put this on
their profile as a way to dig at their partner (see the above on not
fighting).
5. Flirt offline. It can be fun to flirt on your
partners' profile, but don't let it stop there! It is even more
meaningful and lasting to have fun in person, to show love and affection, instead of just
in the virtual world where you are safe and it is harder to feel
rejected.
6. Password Protection. This is a choice, but consider
having boundaries with your passwords. Depending on the level of
commitment in your relationship, it may not be wise to share your
password with your partner.
Technology security is important and often people use the same
passwords for multiple accounts (not you right?) Giving your password
out could be giving them access to your bank accounts and other
information. If you are newly dating or on the
rocks, reconsider how much access you want the person to have.
7. Have separate personal pages. You are your own
person. I have seen couples
share the same page and it communicates that this couple is stuck
together like glue and they are surrendering their individuality. I have
seen that the 1 page per couple comes from a controlling partner who
doesn't want their partner to have a separate account and then they
believe that they have some sort of control over communication.
Heads up! Even if that was your great idea, your partner can still have
a separate page and hide it from you. You may have many reasons for
having one page, and if that works for you, great, but I would suggest
that the majority of us should have our own pages, friend our partner,
so they can see our page and leave it at that.
8. End it for good. If you break up and it is tough,
unfriend and block your ex. Checking on them repeatedly will only add to
your suffering. I heard a philosopher once say that if aliens were to
come down and study humans by reading Facebook, they would be given a
very distorted perception of reality. Remember this: when it comes to
relationships, there is a beginning and an ending.
If you are going to end something in reality, end it virtually as well.
For some couples that isn't possible and I have seen divorced couples
stay friends online because they have kids and want to share what is
happening with their children when the other parent isn't there. That is
great! But, if that isn't you, then set a boundary and limit how
painful this has to be for you.
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